One thing that bothers me most is night thoughts. I have this thing where I just wake up in the middle of a slumber, and just think of things that I don’t normally think off. It really depends on what mood I am on the week. This isn’t a daily thing, from the last account, I’d say that the frequency of this happenings is around once a week.
What I’m thinking today is about how I’d tell someone I like how I feel. I won’t give out any details, since some people already know who she is, and I guess, it’d be respectful to keep her name in anonymity. I haven’t told her how I feel yet, or I think she gets it. I really don’t know, I haven’t really asked, and I’m scared of doing so. I don’t know why, but I have this rational fear of rejection. Call me proud or anything, I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember, and it was in my teens.
I get this feeling where I just want to pour out every single word that I think is perfect for her. I feel like my throat contains wild animals that’ll stampede out of my mouth and go straight to your heart. Hopefully, they’d get you like cupid’s arrow got me.
It’s amazing how long I’ve been keeping this under lock and key, I am very open to the people I like, but this time is different, maybe it’s because she’s so very dear to me, that risking to lose her would devastate me. It’d ruin me for half of my life. Sometimes, I want to take a chance, shoot a bullet blinded, just to see if i’d hit, but still my conscience thinks otherwise.
These thoughts are much to bear, and half of them is about her at the moment and it hurts my head, in a good way.